Expectant Mother

Last week Steve and I sat around a table filled with other young couples for a parent training class at our church. One of our first activities was to count up the number of children represented at the table. 2+3+1+2. We had our total.

"Oh wait, Jenny and John are due next month. Add 1."
Everyone agreed. Of course!
"What about Steve and Kate...aren't you guys adopting? Should we count your family as 2 kids?" Silence.
Awkward "umm's" and uneasy "yeah, maybe's".
"Well, our table isn't going to win anyway, so it doesn't matter."

I get it. I feel the same tension. Are we expecting? Are we counted as a family of 3 or a family of 4. Pregnant Jenny definitely counts. But do I? There's no life growing inside of me. And there really is no definite time frame of when or if a child will be added to our family. I feel the same confusion with the continuation of the blog at this point. Steve said it best today as we were talking about it: "It's like trying to get into the Christmas spirit in January".

With pregnancy, there is a clear end date. Sure, one may go a week or two past their due date, but I've never asked a pregnant person when they are due and their answer was, "I don't know...could be next month, might be next year".

There is clarity in their waiting. There are countdowns and things to expect when you're expecting. If there was a book written about what to expect when you are adopting, only one sentence would be truthful: "There is nothing predictable about an international adoption."

There may be steps in the process that are clear markers, but when you are dealing with 2 constantly changing governments, the time distance between those markers contains no promises. This is incredibly frustrating.

I'd love to be able to provide a clear answer of when our daughter will come home. I'd love to track her progress on facebook with what size of fruit she may be right now, but I can't. This adoption, much more than the last one, has thrust us into a very unknown place. I feel like i've been blindfolded, taken to a dark room and told to find my way out.

I feel like I'm fumbling my way through the new terminology of adopting from India, I'm constantly stubbing my toe on the roadblocks of paperwork and changes. The darkness overtakes my spirit at times and my natural response is to go straight to fear and doubt. At times I feel bound to the dark waiting room, even though I know that God desires for us to be bound to Him alone.

I'm trying to focus on life right now - the joys, the hopes, the dreams, and the opportunities God has for me right now. I don't want my life to constantly hang in the balance of waiting. I want to experience what God has for me right now.

Here is what we do know right now about the India adoption process:

• Once our home study update is complete, it is sent to the US Government for approval.
• That approval, (along with all other documents) gets sent to the CARA (Central Adoption Resource Agency) in India.
• The CARA then looks for the best RIPA (confused yet?)
• The RIPA is the Recognized India Placement Agency - which is basically an orphanage

Once we reach the RIPA, we are officially "registered."

• That RIPA then labors to match us with one of their available children. 
• This process could take anywhere from a couple of months to a couple of YEARS.
• Once we are "matched", a tedious process of paperwork and court dates is set in motion, which again, could take months. 

Then we would take ONE TRIP to India to bring our child home.

So, we feel like we are probably 18 months - 2 years away from completing our Indian adoption. We are learning as we go. This is a brand new experience for us and we are asking God for wisdom at every turn.

Thank you for journeying with us. Because we are so far off, I, at times, feel silly for even keeping this blog updated. How many years of blog entries can be about "waiting"? :) But, I so appreciate your dedication to our journey. Your words of encouragement and prayers carry us through this wild adventure.

Also, I have decided to classify myself as an expectant mom.

With confidence, I fully EXPECT God to sustain my heart, bring patience to my soul and give me the strength to live in the today He has given me.

Until next Monday,
love: Kate, Steve & Dima

Remembering

Today is a special day. March 4th is "homecoming day". It is the day we celebrate our son's coming home from Russia. After 8 years of infertility, 2 years of the adoption process, tens of thousands of dollars, crazy amounts of paperwork, multiple trips to Russia, we brought our son home.

After 8 months in house filled with neglect and pain followed by a year in a Russian institution filled with monotony and 4 sterile walls, we brought our son home.

As we came down the escalator in the Cleveland airport to the sounds of family and friends cheering and the image of balloons and signs, laughter and tears, all of the trials of the process seemed to fade away. It was a new day. The beginning of new life for our son, for us, for our family.

An orphan now a son, a barren woman now a mother. It was a beautiful, redemptive moment of God's work in all of our lives.

So today we celebrate. We had a sleepover in our basement and all slept cuddled up together like we shared three years ago during those long nights in Moscow. We woke up and had a traditional Russian breakfast of blini (thin pancakes), fruit and coffee. We went to Build-A-Bear workshop to remember Dima's very first stuffed animal, Mishka that we brought to him on our first trip and that he brought home.

Mishka is an adventurous little bear who has traveled the world and is not as soft as he once was. And so we talked about how much better life is when our story is defined by adventure. Mishka might not be as soft and he may have picked up scabies along the way, but Mishka has a story. He didn't just spend his life on a shelf. His matted fur tells a story of longing, freedom and love. And we praised stories of adventure and the epic story of our son.

We finished off the celebration at TGIFridays, which is the first restaurant we ate at in Moscow. We laughed (now) about how he crawled under the table of a Russian family while we tried to call him out. "Idi- cominye, Dima" (Come here, Dima) And how the Russian families were tsk-ing our parenting efforts in disapproval. But, we celebrate. We remember the good times. We remember God's faithfulness. We remember how He knit our stories together from the beginning.

It's good to remember, especially when you're frustrated with God's timing. Dima's homecoming day could not have come sooner. While I am still frustrated with the timing of our 2nd adoption, the Russian adoption ban, the long wait time in India, as well as recent letdowns, I still remember.

I remember how 9 months into our first adoption, we had to change regions which essentially started the waiting process all over again.

I remember how in the beginning of our adoption journey I wondered how I could ever wait an entire year to bring home our son...but I waited two.

I remember how when I first saw a picture of Dima, my heart leapt in my chest. I knew he was our son.

I remember how the waiting felt unbearable, but God always lifted my heart when I felt like I could not take it any longer.

I remember the fears.
I remember the heartache.
I remember the joy.
I remember God's faithfulness.

There is something about looking back that brings hope to looking forward.

David (in the Bible) questions God and asks "Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has He slammed the door on His compassion?" And then, in the very next breath, he says, "But then I remember all You have done, O Lord; I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago. You are the God of great wonders!"

It's as if David's pen was writing the words of my heart. For the last few weeks, I have been asking similar questions...
"God, have you forgotten to be gracious?"
"Have you slammed  the door of compassion on our life and on the life of our little girl?"
"Do you see me?"
"Do you hear me?"
"Do you love me?"
"Are you really faithful and good?"

And then today, March 4th, Homecoming Day. I remember.
"I remember Your wonderful deeds God. You are the God of great wonders!"

Updates:

• we recently learned of more challenges and longer wait times to our India adoption from a conference that was held last week in India concerning adoption
• we are still working and waiting on paperwork to complete our update for our home study to then get our US approval before we can apply to register in India. 

Prayer Requests:

• Please pray for our hearts as we take in the reality of the waiting. 
• Pray for all of the paperwork that needs to be completed before we can register in India.
• Please pray for our little girl - that God would protect her and surround her with love.

Until next Monday, 

Love: Kate, Steve & Dima

Aruna

The summer of 2007 was the first time I ever stepped foot in the beautiful country of India. As we walked off the airplane, we were welcomed by the many sights, sounds, and smells. Wall to wall people was the backdrop of our walk through the airport. The sounds of cars, buses, and rickshaws honking, each with their own customized ring tone quickly became the new score played behind every conversation.

Steve and I were there along with a team of high school students from our church. And as we made our way to the compound where we stayed for the 2 weeks, we became overwhelmed with the beautiful dichotomy that is India. On the same real estate can sit a beautiful, colorful mansion and a small shack village of pieced together dwellings. We would be enthralled by the beauty of a scene only to be slapped in the face with the reality of poverty sharing the same moment. There was so much to take in.

One of the opportunities we had while we were in India was to develop and lead a youth conference. Our team put together dramas and songs and games to share with our new friends, and through the help of translators, we were able to encourage them in their lives and learn from them as well. 

Many of these young people were extremely poor and traveled for 2 days on long, hot bus rides just to get to the conference. I instantly connected with one of the girls, a precious 12 year old named Aruna. 

She spoke no english. I spoke no Hindi. We spent the day drawing pictures back and forth, taking photos on my camera, walking around together, eating together, drinking chai together. It truly is amazing how love can transcend a language barrier. 

We spent 4 days together and on the last day of the conference, she handed me her cell phone. 

I placed it up to my ear. "Hello?" 

I never thought I'd be receiving a phone call from someone in India :) It was her pastor from her village. He spoke some broken english and wanted to tell me how much Aruna learned from the conference. It was a great and encouraging conversation. Aruna and I said our tearful goodbyes and we parted ways back to our homes. 

Fast forward one year to the summer of 2008. I had the opportunity to return to India with a different group of high school students. to lead another youth conference in the same place. I thought about Aruna a lot over the year, but never dreamed that I would ever see her again.

We weren't there long when one of the local leaders of the conference found me and said, "Kate, there is someone here who is anxious to see you." And out walks Aruna, along with her sister and her mother. "Hi Kate", she said. "How are you?"

Aruna had spent the year learning english in anticipation of seeing each other again. 

It was a beautiful reunion. She introduced me to her family and we again, enjoyed the days together. This time, on the last day of the conference, Aruna and her family invited me back to their room. They presented me with a beautiful Indian garment called a salwar. It was one of the most difficult gifts I have ever had to receive because I knew the cost that went into the gift. 

Who knows how many months wages went into the purchase of this gorgeous outfit? 

I tried it on and then they rubbed oil on my arms and braided my hair with flowers. I sat there with tears streaming down my face as these 3 beautiful women blessed me. I was so humbled in that moment. I came to India to be a blessing. As it turned out, I was the one being blessed. 

In many ways, I feel like this is the story of our adoption. We enter the journey with a motivation to bless, by "rescuing" a child from a dire situation. But the reality is, we are far more blessed by the gift of parenthood. 

I feel strange sometimes when people say things like, "wow, this little girl in India is so lucky to have you take her out of these circumstances." Or, "Dima is so lucky to have been rescued out of the orphanage. He is so blessed." But, the truth is we are the ones who are blessed. I would not be a mom without Dima or our little girl. Their very lives are God's precious gift to us. 

I so look forward to the day we bring our little blessing home from India. Though it seems like such a distant hope and dream, it is the memories of people like Aruna that remind me of the joy that is to come.  I hope to tell my daughter the stories of her country and all of the beautiful people we've met there. And what a special day it will be when I can sit in our living room and braid my daughter's hair with flowers and tell her about another special Indian girl named Aruna.

Prayer Requests:

• patience - it's frustrating to think how long this process will take
• for our little girl - that God would be preparing her for us and us for her

Until next Monday, 

love: Kate, Steve & Dima

Starting Over

Last weekend, our social worker came to our house for our home study. This is required for adoption. Though we already went through all of this when we began our Russian adoption, switching to India has required us to do this again. We always enjoy our time with our social worker. She is very kind and helpful. But, honestly, I didn't want to have to see her again for a while.

And I was reminded of the reality that we truly are starting over.

Based on where we were with our Russia adoption, we believe we were days away from receiving our referral (the child's picture, age & region). We worked hard and quickly to get our paper work completed and had waited for 6 months. Our hearts were building with anticipation and then this past weekend, the adrenaline of the last couple of months subsided and I sat on the couch after she left in an overwhelmed state of frustration.

I looked in front of me at the new stack of paper work that needed to be completed. Documents that needed to be mailed out. Phone calls that need to be made. Papers that have to wait on other papers before they can get mailed out. Months of paper work that lay ahead of us before we can get to the "waiting phase"...again.

Now, I do know that there are much worse situations that I can be in. I also know that in many ways, this is the path we have chosen. But I have to be honest with my feelings. Sometimes it just doesn't feel fair.

I look at families who strategically plan out the ages of their children, most of whom are 2 years apart. And somehow, miraculously, it works. I look at my 5 year old son and think about the fact that he will probably be 7 before his sister even comes home. This just isn't the way I envisioned our family plan.

I wanted the 2 years apart playmates. I wanted the pregnancy. I wanted "my" plan to work. And though I absolutely am passionate about adoption, about my son, about my daughter, about the story God has written for us and how He has redeemed our barrenness...sometimes, the pain of infertility rears it's ugly head in my heart and I mourn again the loss of the broken dream.

I get frustrated over how easy some people have it when it comes to having babies. There is this strange and beautiful marriage of sorrow and joy within my soul. The deep sorrow of dreams lost, mix with the  love and generosity that came through adoption.

On most days, joy wins. I look in the face of my son and never once doubt that he was meant for our family. He brings life and laughter and joy to my soul on a daily basis. But some days, sorrow wins. Like today.

I cling to the hope of God's word that sorrow may last for a night, hope is rising with the sun. With this,  God brings me back to His heart with a comforting peace. And it's okay to feel sadness. This does not mean that I don't love the story God has written for our family, it simply means these emotions can happen together. Joy and sadness all in one heart, all at one time.

UPDATES:

• We have completed our home study interview. Now we wait for it to sent to the US government for approval
• Once this happens, we begin on documents that are specific to India. 

PRAYER REQUESTS:

• that we don't lose heart heading into yet another season of waiting
• for our little girl, somewhere in India, that God would be preparing her heart for our family

Until next Monday,

love: Kate, Steve & Dima

Broken in the Marketplace

I will never forget the day I walked into a crowded market in India. The taxi dropped us off on the side of the road and as we began to walk down the street, a mob of young street children bombarded us. "Sir, mum...please, may I have some money. Please." 

We were strongly urged to not give money to any children in the streets because the money never actually went to them. With tears in my eyes, I looked at this one little girl who couldn't have been more than five. I said, "I'm sorry, I have no money". 

As I walked away, I suddenly felt this little girl literally jump onto my back. "Please mum, please." I gently pulled her off my back and as I looked into her eyes, all I saw was vacancy. Her dark hair was matted to her dirtied skin. Her clothes tattered and torn with a faded out image of a sunshine on the front of her too small tshirt.  Her soul had been ravished by the injustices of this world. She was no longer her own, she belonged to another. And as she walked away, I watched her turn the corner and face an angry looking man who was obviously expecting a return. 

My heart broke. I could do nothing for that girl. 

Amidst the busyness of the marketplace, my mind stood still. There was no category in my brain to explain this away. I had just stared in the eyes of the reality of injustice. And my life changed. 

Even if I had all the money in the world to give her, it would leave her hands and she would be sent back to the streets. In that moment I pleaded with God to give me the strength and ability to do something. For years, that meant prayer and encouraging those who were able to act. Praying for the courageous Indians who were literally dying on behalf of freedom and justice for their people.  And now, I feel God is stirring our hearts to move us into more action. 

When we were starting our second adoption we considered India as an option, but since the country was not open to international adoption at the time we felt compelled towards Russia again. Once we made that decision we really didn't think twice about any other countries, until a month ago when the Russian adoption ban became a reality for our family. 

We have been praying, seeking counsel, talking with international adoption specialists and social workers and have been trying to make the best possible choice for our family. 

We first had to take a step back and ask ourselves, why do we desire international adoption? The first reason is because we desire another child. The second reason is because we want to give a child a family who otherwise would have no hope without the reality of adoption.

As we thought and prayed through that statement, there became no greater option in our lives than to adopt our daughter from India. 

So we take this step forward towards an Indian adoption. We are nervous. This is new and uncharted waters. This has unique implications on even what our family is going to look like. But we believe that God's love covers all - including skin color and culture. And the bond that He will give to us as we call ourselves "family" will be unbreakable with His love at the core. 

As an affirming sign of God's provision, the agency we had been using for our Russian adoption also works in India. This is actually pretty unbelievable considering there are not many agencies who work in India. Financially speaking, we will not lose any of our agency money or donations and almost everything will transfer. 

Unfortunately, we will have to start from the beginning with our paper work. This means a new home study, as well as new government approval. Hopefully we will be able to move through it quickly since we just went through it, but it is starting over. 

Once our paperwork gets completed, it will be sent to India and then begins the waiting process (similar to Russia). It seems like our wait time will be around a year. India requires two trips: the first to meet our daughter, the second to bring her home. 

Seven years ago, God began planting a seed into our hearts. It was a seed that grew from visiting India, to sponsoring a child in India, to praying for the people of India. God is continuing to water that seed by giving us the unbelievable opportunity to bring a daughter into our lives from this amazing country. 

We are thankful that you are taking this journey with us. The bumps and the turns can be nauseating at times, but we keep our eyes on Him and continue to trust in His goodness and faithfulness.

Until next Monday,

love: Kate, Steve & Dima

Sovereign Over Us

I don't know if everyone is like this, but it seems like I constantly have a song running through the back alleys of my mind. It is usually fitting to the circumstances of my life. Maybe it's because growing up, I had a mom who could turn any word into a song. You would speak a sentence, and she always had a song right there ready to be belted out. It oftentimes would catch people off guard and they weren't quite sure what to do with it, but for me, it was normal. Where there's a story, there's a song. 

Over these past few weeks, there have been many songs making their way into the depths of my heart. These have been songs of Truth - of surrender, of desperation, of God's unfailing love and His faithfulness. Sometimes when my mind and heart have been too weary to even open up the Bible, He has brought His truth into my heart through the recollection of song. And He would meet me there, whether I wanted to be there or not. 

"Your plans are STILL to prosper

You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and the flood

Faithful forever, perfect in Love

You are Sovereign over us

Even what the enemy means for evil,

You turn it for our good

You turn it for our good and for Your glory

Even in the valley You are faithful

You're working for our good

You're working for our good and for Your glory"

These words have found me in the lonely places of this journey. In those quiet moments where it is just me and my thoughts - where I try desperately to understand what He allows and why He allows it. 

As I have been emailing with my sister in law, who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, I found myself saying to her, "When I try to figure out what God is doing, I can drive myself crazy. Because the truth is, these things (like cancer, infertility, sickness, adoption bans, corrupt governments) are not FROM Him. He is not doing them. Yes, He is allowing them. But they do not come from His hands. He is life, not death. He is for orphans, not against them. He is for truth, not corruption. He is for health, not sickness. So, instead we have to keep our eyes focused on what kind of beauty He can make from the ashes. It may not happen right away and it usually is not in the way we expect, but He is an expert in redemption. And His heart is to redeem this broken world." 

As I wrote this, and tried to allow my heart to meet her in the pain of her circumstances, I was reminded of this same truth for myself. That even what the enemy means for evil, HE is the master at turning it not just for His glory, but for our good. And that is the hope and promise we can rest in, find strength in, and  claim with confidence.

So, as we have asked for wisdom from God to show us not just where our daughter is, but where is He calling us to go, we feel like we are getting a clearer picture. His plans are still to prosper. He has not forgotten us. He has not forgotten our daughter. He has not forgotten the children who lie in orphanages all over this world with no hope for a future without adoption. And so we are ready to respond and move forward. We are ready to act in obedience to His calling. We look forward to telling you where that is very soon. We still have a few more details to set in place and phone calls to make, but I assure you, this is a story you will not want to miss. And we're still kind of in shock over His direction for our lives.  Faithful forever, perfect in love...You are Sovereign over us. 

Until next Monday, love, Steve, Kate and Dima

Pushing Uphill

I'm sitting in my living room on this cold, blustery day. The snow is falling and quickly laying a blanket of white on our yard. When I see snow come down this quickly, I'm instantly taken back to the day that we left for our second trip to bring our son home from Russia. There was a blizzard outside, the snow overnight reached to nearly a foot.

Our dear friends, Eric and Adrianne picked us up early in the morning to take us to the airport. We piled into their car with our luggage, our huge bundle of paperwork, money hidden all over our bodies, and a large plastic tube containing our X-rays for medical appointments in Russia.

As we pulled away, the car jerked forward and then stopped. The wheels spun in the snow. We were no longer moving. We got out, tried to push a little. Still spinning. After a couple of driver changes and some nervous laughs, we finally got the car going and off we went.

We made it to the onramp of the highway, which actually went uphill. The snow had fallen so quickly that the snow plows weren't even out yet. On our way up the ramp, the car stopped again. Wheels spinning. Complete stop. It seemed like there was no way up the hill. What should we do? This can't be happening.

After a few attempts of Eric trying to find a groove, we decided to get out and push again - on the highway. So, Steve and I got out of the car and began to put everything we had into getting this huge machine up the snow covered hill. I remember digging my feet into the snow and just pushing and running in place with all that I had.

Tears streamed down my face as I yelled out loud, "We are NOT going to be stopped!! I am going to get my baby! Nothing is going to stop us!" Slowly our running in place turned into some movement and we soon found ourselves actually running as we were pushing. We ran ahead, quickly opened the car doors and hopped in while the car was moving forward. We made it. We got in the car and laughed and cried as we recounted those crazy moments we just experienced together.

It's hard to describe the feelings that came into my heart. It was a fighter's spirit - not letting anything stand in the way. We were pressing ahead and pushing through every obstacle, to bring our son into our family. And not even the snow storm of the century was going to keep us from our child.

That is, in a way, how I feel right now. That fighter spirit is starting to re-kindle in my heart. I'm ready to push through and keep chasing after this adoption dream God has placed in us. I believe that as much as God's heart is for adoption, there is a power at work against it.

The enemy comes to "seek, kill and destroy". He comes to destroy our passion and calling by making things difficult. He comes to kill hopes by whispering lies into our minds and hearts that "we aren't cut out to be parents again." We don't know where our daughter is or when she will come into our home, but I imagine being behind that car and in the face of the enemy, claiming victory and hope even amidst the impossible.

The Russian ban against Americans adopting has caused us to go back to the drawing board and pray through every option. A few have asked if we are considering domestic adoption. We are leaving no stone unturned and asking God to give us wisdom. We believe that adoption is a personal decision for every family and every family is called and directed to children who need homes. But in many ways adoption is a calling.

We have close friends who are missionaries in the middle east. They felt called to serve and love people in that country. I'm sure if we asked them, they would never say the reason they are missionaries there is because there are no needs in America. For their family, as they prayed and asked God to use their lives however and wherever He desires, He led them to the middle east. He put love in their hearts for these people, He gave them a desire to know more about and engage in their culture. And so they went. They left all that was familiar and responded to God's calling on their life.

In a similar way, as we have asked God to show us what it looks like to grow our family, it seems like He keeps drawing us and compelling us towards international adoption.  For our first child, He led us to Russia. And now, we wait for Him to direct us to our daughter. We absolutely believe there are many children in need of homes here in America. And as you read this, if that statement stirs something in your heart, I wonder what God would like to do through your family. Maybe He is calling you to adopt a child in the foster care system here in the states. For us, it is no longer about having another child; it is about believing that we have more love to offer a child who is need of a family.

So, as we ask God to lead us, we believe He will lead us to our daughter. And she will bring new life into our home as our home brings new life to her.

PRAYER REQUESTS:

• We have another conference call with the US Department of State on Tuesday afternoon to hear if there are any updates on the situation. Pray that there is clarity and a definitive answer for those of us who are figuring out what this ban means.
• We are still asking God for wisdom to knit our hearts together before we move forward and officially begin the process in a new country. This is a decision we don't take lightly. And as we talk through the implications of changing countries, we are asking God to show us His will and give us His wisdom as we make these steps.
• We pray for the little girl that we will adopt - wherever she is. That God would protect her and keep her safe and loved.

Until next Monday,
love: Kate, Steve & Dima