Sovereign Over Us

I don't know if everyone is like this, but it seems like I constantly have a song running through the back alleys of my mind. It is usually fitting to the circumstances of my life. Maybe it's because growing up, I had a mom who could turn any word into a song. You would speak a sentence, and she always had a song right there ready to be belted out. It oftentimes would catch people off guard and they weren't quite sure what to do with it, but for me, it was normal. Where there's a story, there's a song. 

Over these past few weeks, there have been many songs making their way into the depths of my heart. These have been songs of Truth - of surrender, of desperation, of God's unfailing love and His faithfulness. Sometimes when my mind and heart have been too weary to even open up the Bible, He has brought His truth into my heart through the recollection of song. And He would meet me there, whether I wanted to be there or not. 

"Your plans are STILL to prosper

You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and the flood

Faithful forever, perfect in Love

You are Sovereign over us

Even what the enemy means for evil,

You turn it for our good

You turn it for our good and for Your glory

Even in the valley You are faithful

You're working for our good

You're working for our good and for Your glory"

These words have found me in the lonely places of this journey. In those quiet moments where it is just me and my thoughts - where I try desperately to understand what He allows and why He allows it. 

As I have been emailing with my sister in law, who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, I found myself saying to her, "When I try to figure out what God is doing, I can drive myself crazy. Because the truth is, these things (like cancer, infertility, sickness, adoption bans, corrupt governments) are not FROM Him. He is not doing them. Yes, He is allowing them. But they do not come from His hands. He is life, not death. He is for orphans, not against them. He is for truth, not corruption. He is for health, not sickness. So, instead we have to keep our eyes focused on what kind of beauty He can make from the ashes. It may not happen right away and it usually is not in the way we expect, but He is an expert in redemption. And His heart is to redeem this broken world." 

As I wrote this, and tried to allow my heart to meet her in the pain of her circumstances, I was reminded of this same truth for myself. That even what the enemy means for evil, HE is the master at turning it not just for His glory, but for our good. And that is the hope and promise we can rest in, find strength in, and  claim with confidence.

So, as we have asked for wisdom from God to show us not just where our daughter is, but where is He calling us to go, we feel like we are getting a clearer picture. His plans are still to prosper. He has not forgotten us. He has not forgotten our daughter. He has not forgotten the children who lie in orphanages all over this world with no hope for a future without adoption. And so we are ready to respond and move forward. We are ready to act in obedience to His calling. We look forward to telling you where that is very soon. We still have a few more details to set in place and phone calls to make, but I assure you, this is a story you will not want to miss. And we're still kind of in shock over His direction for our lives.  Faithful forever, perfect in love...You are Sovereign over us. 

Until next Monday, love, Steve, Kate and Dima

Pushing Uphill

I'm sitting in my living room on this cold, blustery day. The snow is falling and quickly laying a blanket of white on our yard. When I see snow come down this quickly, I'm instantly taken back to the day that we left for our second trip to bring our son home from Russia. There was a blizzard outside, the snow overnight reached to nearly a foot.

Our dear friends, Eric and Adrianne picked us up early in the morning to take us to the airport. We piled into their car with our luggage, our huge bundle of paperwork, money hidden all over our bodies, and a large plastic tube containing our X-rays for medical appointments in Russia.

As we pulled away, the car jerked forward and then stopped. The wheels spun in the snow. We were no longer moving. We got out, tried to push a little. Still spinning. After a couple of driver changes and some nervous laughs, we finally got the car going and off we went.

We made it to the onramp of the highway, which actually went uphill. The snow had fallen so quickly that the snow plows weren't even out yet. On our way up the ramp, the car stopped again. Wheels spinning. Complete stop. It seemed like there was no way up the hill. What should we do? This can't be happening.

After a few attempts of Eric trying to find a groove, we decided to get out and push again - on the highway. So, Steve and I got out of the car and began to put everything we had into getting this huge machine up the snow covered hill. I remember digging my feet into the snow and just pushing and running in place with all that I had.

Tears streamed down my face as I yelled out loud, "We are NOT going to be stopped!! I am going to get my baby! Nothing is going to stop us!" Slowly our running in place turned into some movement and we soon found ourselves actually running as we were pushing. We ran ahead, quickly opened the car doors and hopped in while the car was moving forward. We made it. We got in the car and laughed and cried as we recounted those crazy moments we just experienced together.

It's hard to describe the feelings that came into my heart. It was a fighter's spirit - not letting anything stand in the way. We were pressing ahead and pushing through every obstacle, to bring our son into our family. And not even the snow storm of the century was going to keep us from our child.

That is, in a way, how I feel right now. That fighter spirit is starting to re-kindle in my heart. I'm ready to push through and keep chasing after this adoption dream God has placed in us. I believe that as much as God's heart is for adoption, there is a power at work against it.

The enemy comes to "seek, kill and destroy". He comes to destroy our passion and calling by making things difficult. He comes to kill hopes by whispering lies into our minds and hearts that "we aren't cut out to be parents again." We don't know where our daughter is or when she will come into our home, but I imagine being behind that car and in the face of the enemy, claiming victory and hope even amidst the impossible.

The Russian ban against Americans adopting has caused us to go back to the drawing board and pray through every option. A few have asked if we are considering domestic adoption. We are leaving no stone unturned and asking God to give us wisdom. We believe that adoption is a personal decision for every family and every family is called and directed to children who need homes. But in many ways adoption is a calling.

We have close friends who are missionaries in the middle east. They felt called to serve and love people in that country. I'm sure if we asked them, they would never say the reason they are missionaries there is because there are no needs in America. For their family, as they prayed and asked God to use their lives however and wherever He desires, He led them to the middle east. He put love in their hearts for these people, He gave them a desire to know more about and engage in their culture. And so they went. They left all that was familiar and responded to God's calling on their life.

In a similar way, as we have asked God to show us what it looks like to grow our family, it seems like He keeps drawing us and compelling us towards international adoption.  For our first child, He led us to Russia. And now, we wait for Him to direct us to our daughter. We absolutely believe there are many children in need of homes here in America. And as you read this, if that statement stirs something in your heart, I wonder what God would like to do through your family. Maybe He is calling you to adopt a child in the foster care system here in the states. For us, it is no longer about having another child; it is about believing that we have more love to offer a child who is need of a family.

So, as we ask God to lead us, we believe He will lead us to our daughter. And she will bring new life into our home as our home brings new life to her.

PRAYER REQUESTS:

• We have another conference call with the US Department of State on Tuesday afternoon to hear if there are any updates on the situation. Pray that there is clarity and a definitive answer for those of us who are figuring out what this ban means.
• We are still asking God for wisdom to knit our hearts together before we move forward and officially begin the process in a new country. This is a decision we don't take lightly. And as we talk through the implications of changing countries, we are asking God to show us His will and give us His wisdom as we make these steps.
• We pray for the little girl that we will adopt - wherever she is. That God would protect her and keep her safe and loved.

Until next Monday,
love: Kate, Steve & Dima

Not finished

About a year after Dima came into our lives, we finally settled in to a good routine. That's when the  thought of "we're not finished" came into our minds and hearts. 

So Steve and I began to pray and ask God for wisdom over the possibility of pursuing a second adoption. This was obviously not something we wanted to jump into quickly. 

We had to pray through the financial roadblocks, how the travel would affect our son, the time frame to complete the adoption, as well as the complicated details of bringing another child into our home, hearts and lives. 

We prayed. We fasted. We spent hours on the phone with different adoption agencies. Since we feel called to international adoption, we poured over the countries that allowed adoption and prayed through each one. 

After about a year and half of thinking, praying, and seeking advice, we decided that it was time. We brought every "what if" to God in prayer...

• What if we don't raise enough money? 
• What if our wait time is extremely long again? 
• What if our wait time is extremely short? 
• What if Dima has no desire to be a big brother?

The one "what if" we never considered was: what if Russia closes their doors to adoption? Not once. 

We know that there is tremendous uncertainty with ANY adoption - domestic or international. As for dealing with Russia, the all too true quote was "the only thing predictable about Russia is it's unpredictability." We thought there may be bumps along the way, but we never thought that an adoption ban would ever occur. 

So, we are blind-sided to say the least. 

As with many of you who are following this journey with us, we are watching the news each day. One report will say that the ban has been lifted. Others say it will be lifted for those who have already been to court. Still other reports suggest that the ban is in full force. 

Last Friday, we had a conference call with the U.S. Department of State, along with hundreds of other families who find themselves in our position. What we learned from that call wasn't much. Very little information is available at this time. We are in uncharted waters. 

At this point, we are hopeful that there will be exceptions made for those 46 families who have met their children and have been to court. I'm praying that an exception will be made even for those hundreds of families who have met their children, but have not yet had court. As for us however, with where we are in the process, there is not much of a chance of our adoption pushing through. 

So, where does that leave us? There is a big part of me that wants to toss up my hands and surrender to the difficulty. Life is good now. We have a son that we absolutely love. We live in a comfortable home. It just feels easier to take this roadblock and bow to it. But the easy choice is often not the right choice. And as I think and pray and cry out to God, I still have a deep sense in my spirit that says, "I'm not finished". 

As I was reading the Bible a few days ago, I came across this verse. I like to picture "The Biggest Loser" personal trainer, Jillian Michaels, screaming this into my face in a motivating way...

"We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are NOT crushed.

We are perplexed (confused, frustrated), but NOT driven to despair.

We are hunted down, but NEVER abandoned by God.

We get knocked down, but we are NOT destroyed"

I felt like God was speaking these words right to me. 

"Katie girl, You've been knocked down. But you are not destroyed. This dream and desire to bring new life to a child has been pressed on every side...but it is NOT crushed. Get up. Embrace the fear and move forward with strength in MY power"

So, we pick up this crumbled up, weathered up dream and lay it down at  God's feet.

Last week, we said there were 3 countries that we were seriously thinking about. Well, after some conversations with our agency, we have learned that 2 of those countries are not options for us. Instead we've been given new options. 

We are praying for much wisdom. Many of these options would bring very new and unique dimensions to our family. 

I want to act quickly and deal with those details later. Steve is more of the type of person who likes to think through the details first and then make a decision. So, we are, as a couple asking you to pray alongside us. For wisdom. For unity. For clear direction from God. We really need it.

One thing we believe to be true is that God is not finished. There are hundreds of thousands of orphans in this world who need a mom and dad. And we are a family that passionately desires to bring new life to a child. But what that means, what that looks like, we just don't know yet. 

Thank you for your prayers. We could not do this without you. Thank you for walking alongside us. I thought we were in the "boring part" of the process. It seems God has other plans. 

Until next Monday,

love: Kate, Steve & Dima

Paka Russia

I will never forget the day that we said goodbye to Dima's birthplace.

We had just spent an entire month in a small town outside of St. Petersburg, Russia. We stayed with a wonderful woman, Ludmila, along with her husband the whole time we were there. She graciously cooked every meal for us, ranging from homemade borscht, blinis, and even a hamburger with fries to give us a taste of home.

We laughed together, watched the Olympics together, celebrated 2 national holidays together.  She was our translator and was with us the first moment we ever met eyes with our son. She was the first person to tell Dima in his native language who we were: "mama and papa". When we brought Dima out of the orphanage, she was the one who spoke the phrase that is forever etched in our hearts, "this is the door to a new life".

Every morning, we would go visit the orphanage, we would be picked up by a wonderful man, Vladimir. For the week that I was alone in Russia, he would pick Ludmila and I up and always have a pillow in the backseat for me to rest on for the hour long drive to the orphanage. And he would always slip me 2 chocolates. One for me and one to bring up to Dima.

Our hearts were knit together by these monumental days in my life. As Ludmila and Vladimir dropped us off at the train station, to leave the quaint little town and take the overnight train ride to Moscow, Steve and I sat with our son in our little compartment and we wept.

The emotions hit us unexpectedly. We didn't anticipate sadness during this time - we thought we would be so excited to be one step closer to home. But, we were leaving Dima's birthplace, along with a piece of our hearts. As we watched out the window, our 2 dear friends slowly moved out of sight and we said, "paka", which means "goodbye."

I have a similar feeling in my heart right now. We are saying "paka."

Paka to the dream of having a daughter who shares heritage with her brother.
Paka to the place we thought we would hold our little girl.
Paka to the country God placed on our hearts at the beginning of this second adoption journey.

We look out the window as this train slowly chugs away from what we thought life would look like. And it is sad.

But in this sadness, there is also a glimmer a hope.

For two years, we prayed for God to give us wisdom as to when to start our next adoption. And we believe whole-heartedly that He was leading us to begin when we did. So I have to believe that though this ban did not come from God, He was not unaware of the timing of it all for our lives.

I have to believe that He is using this as a railroad switch. We are still on the train, just headed down a new path. Where does that path lead? We don't yet know. But we are confident that God knows...and as we put one foot in front of the other, we believe He will make His plan for our lives and our family clear, even through the confusion.

Steve spoke to our high school students this past Sunday about "strength in the storms". As he spoke about our own story and what is happening in our lives, he brought us to this truth: "God never promised to walk us around the storms, He promised to walk us through them."

That is where we can put our rest and our faith. We feel Him walking through this storm with us. We feel it in the depths of our souls. We also feel it through your encouragement. So we walk with boldness and trust that He will be with us every step of the way.

Though we are saying goodbye to Russia for our second adoption, Russia will always be a fundamental piece of our family's story. We desire to honor this country and speak of the wonderful memories we have there. It has been very easy the past few days to have so much anger toward the situation that is going on. There is a part of us that just wants to turn our backs on this country.

But then we look into the face of our sweet boy. Those big almond brown eyes and round face. And we bring our anger to God and ask Him to deal justly with the evil that goes on in this world. Then we continue to celebrate and take pride in that beautiful land, knowing full well that one government never fully represents the people of it's country.

So...where are we in the process now? Honestly, we really don't know.

There are not many answers that are available. Mostly because today is the day that Russians celebrate Christmas. So, their government is on holiday until the 9th of January. What is still fuzzy is what the implementation of the adoption ban will look like.

There are rumors that exceptions will be made for those families that have already been to court. Other rumors say the exceptions will be for families who have met their children already and still others say it may include families like us - whose paperwork has been registered in the country and are awaiting a referral.

After a long conversation today with our agency and much prayer over the past couple of weeks, we have decided to pursue an adoption from a different country. We will keep our paperwork in Russia and if for whatever reason, over the next month, something drastically changes, we can continue our adoption from there. But we want to begin the new process right away.

No matter which country we choose, we are looking at at least a year from right now before the completion of an adoption. So we want to get the ball rolling. There are 3 countries we are strongly considering and praying through. And we hope to make the decision and let you all know in the next week or so.

Thank you again for walking this rocky road with us. Despite all the setbacks my heart remains full and I am so deeply encouraged. I have received so many messages, emails, and letters in the mail with words of encouragement and prayers. I hold them tightly to my chest and use them as reminders of how God shows His love for us through His people.

Even after the announcement of the adoption ban was made, we received a check in the mail from a dear friend who is battling cancer. We received another check from a special family friend. Thank you for trusting us and believing that we WILL bring our daughter home...as soon as we find out where she is.

So we say Paka to Russia - and Hello to a new adventure.

Until next Monday,
love: Kate, Steve & Dima

In the wake of the headlines

A couple of weeks ago, we were able to host a sweet couple named Dima and Maria, who are on their way to becoming missionaries in Eastern Europe. Dima, came to the U.S. from Russia when he was a teenager. We knew him when he first came to the states and have been privileged to see what God is doing with his amazing gifts, talents and knowledge.

He met his beautiful wife, Maria, who just moved to the States from Ukraine over this last year. They are an amazing couple. We spent the evening talking about Eastern European culture and they were able to give us so much insight into our son and future daughter. Their visit was just 1 week before the adoption ban was signed into law.

Dima and "big Dima"

Over the course of our many conversations, the subject of orphan care in Russia came up. Dima and Maria were able to share very interesting perspectives. We have heard the staggering statistics about children who grow up in the orphanage system and how so few of them can really make it in the "real world". So many of them are forced into human trafficking, prostitution, drug abuse or gang life. Many don't even make it to age 30 or ever form a family. I've always been so disturbed by these statistics, and these numbers have been a huge part of what stirred our hearts to adopt from Russia. But, I never fully connected the dots as to why there is such little success for these orphans?

Dima and Maria explained to us that there is one major difference between culture in the U.S. and the Russian culture. For the typical American, there is a process of going to school, going to college and then applying for jobs. To get a job, you compose a resume, then interview with prospective employees. If all goes well and your references check out, you usually get the job.

In Russia, they told us, the thought of resumes and blindly approaching a job is very atypical. It is mostly about who you know, or who your family members are. It is all about connection. In many ways, it is a beautiful system. It is based on relationships and trust. For the typical Russian child, there is comfort knowing that they will be able to get their foot in the door with a family member's business or trade.

But, what about the orphan?

The orphan leaves the institution usually around the age of 16, with a less than ideal education. But even more than that, they have no connections. They don't have parents and siblings and uncles and brothers who could get them in to their trade. If they did, they would probably not have ended up in the orphanage in the first place.

The orphanage system runs counter cultural to the way Russian society is set up. The orphan is sent out into the world, nameless, jobless, with few resources and even fewer connections. They are often sought out by those who prey on the vulnerable - the pimp who will give them a name or the drug lord who will give them a job; money in their pocket, at the cost of their soul.

So as the news began to go public regarding the adoption ban against American families, then ultimately being signed into law by President Putin on Friday, the image of the orphan with no connections is where my heart landed. And what brings me to tears, what stops me in my tracks, is the image I have of my son. He was an orphan, headed down the path towards being one of the "statistics".

Part of the way international adoption is set up in Russia is that in order for a child to be available to U.S. families, the child must first be available for domestic adoption (within Russia) for 9 months. Russian families are given the first chance to adopt.

But if the child goes 9 months without being adopted by Russian families, THEN they are available to American families. So we cannot simply say "someone else will adopt them". (This is true for some but not for most). The children Americans were allowed to adopt were the "unwanted orphans". Even saying these words leaves a lump in my throat and tears stop me from typing....because I look at my child - my sweet, hilarious, smart, kind, full-of-life little boy and wonder, "how could anyone have passed him over?"

Then I think about a little girl. This little girl who may be passed over by Russian families now has no chance of ever being adopted by us. She will sit in the orphanage and her chances of having a thriving life filled with joy and freedom will be decimated. All because of politics.

So, where do we go from here?

On Thursday night, we will have a webinar with our agency to discuss our next steps. There are many other countries our agency works with and we will have to look at our financial loss and determine how to best proceed. We are still considered "in process" and there is a small shred of hope that there may be some sort of grandfather clause for those families who are already in the process of adoption. But, that seems highly unlikely at this point.

This has been a painful season for our family. Our hearts are sad. It feels, in many ways, like another loss in our journey towards parenthood. My mind and heart are battling lies of "maybe you just aren't meant to be a mom. You can't get pregnant. And now you can't even adopt." I know these are lies, but they speak loudly, especially to my weary heart.

We appreciate your prayers and words of encouragement. It's been great seeing our high school students wearing their "team garcia" t-shirts and offering up prayers on our behalf. This has deeply ministered to our hearts. Your emails, messages, texts, and phone calls have been a balm to my soul.  Your words have sustained us through this season of loss.

Thank you for walking through this with us. We are going to be ok. We will persevere until our daughter comes home.We are picking up the pieces of our crumbled adoption and asking God to take what we have and lead us to our daughter. And we believe He will.

So now we wait until He shows us where she is.

Until next Monday,
love: Kate, Steve & Dima.

In the headlines...

A couple of weeks ago, as I was reading the news, I came across an article about a new ban that was going to be placed on American families adopting children from Russia. My heart skipped a beat, but I really didn't think much of it.

During our first adoption, news came out that adoptions were being threatened. My heart was filled with fear. I checked the news every 5 minutes and I was grieved over the thought that our adoption may fall through. A few weeks went by and we got through Christmas and January and nothing really changed with adoptions. I learned that the Russia/US relationship is pretty shaky, and adoptions are oftentimes threatened with this kind of news, but rarely does anything come of it.

So, fast forward three Christmases. We sit here in the same season we were in three years ago...adoptions to Russia are being threatened again. Over the last 2 weeks, a bill has been written up by the Russian lawmakers to ban adoptions from U.S. families. It passed through the lower level of government with a huge majority. A few days later, it passed through the next level. And just today, it passed through the upper level of the Russian parliament with a unanimous vote. The only thing that is left before it comes into a reality is a signature from President Putin.

I am, by no means a politician. I did not do well in social studies when I was in school and I have never really had strong interest in government and politics. I do not want to oversimplify the complicated facets of international relations with regard to politics. But this much I know:

• The U.S. passed a bill that calls for sanctions against Russians who are deemed to be violating human rights
• In response, the Russian government wrote up a bill that includes the ban of U.S. families adopting from Russia
• This bill has overwhelmingly passed through all of the levels of the Russian parliament (think senate)

I honestly don't think there is anyone to blame through all of this and truly, I don't even know what the right or wrong response should be. If this bill does pass, maybe it will be a chance for Russia to assess their child welfare system and make improvements. Maybe it will allow non-American families to adopt more children since the U.S. is not the only country that adopts from Russia. Maybe this bill will be the catalyst for America and Russia to take steps towards peace and reconciliation. It may have to get messy before it gets better.

But in all of this, my heart is sad for us. We have prayed hard, worked hard, and believed that our daughter is in Russia. If this bill passes, we will have to look at our financial losses and pray for a new path that leads to our daughter. We are not giving up. We believe that God does have a daughter for us somewhere in this world...and we believe it will be a little girl who will come from a situation that seems hopeless without the intervention of a loving family..and this may be the sharp, painful turn that leads us to her. In many ways, it feels like another negative pregnancy test, or a miscarriage. We have come so far in our journey to our little girl. We have prayed for her, thought about her, planned for her, talked about her with Dima...and now, we may have to go back to square one.

There are an estimated 80,000 children in Russian orphanages. And though there are many wonderful Russian families and families from other countries who adopt these children, the U.S. does account for a large chunk of giving these children homes and families. My heart is sad for these children who are going about their lives like they always do, having no idea that a "could be family" will not be because of two governments that can not get along.

"Children get frozen in the cold war", is a sign that one brave Russian held outside the parliament building yesterday. She was detained, along with others who joined in the protest. I received an email from a Russian friend who apologized on behalf of his country. I stay in touch with the kind and wonderful director from Dima's orphanage. And my heart will always be connected with the dear woman who housed us, fed us, translated for us, and loved us while we were in Russia. There are many, many Russians who care for children and know that international adoptions are one of the ways that the orphans in Russia can be cared for.

So we are left with all that there is to do: we pray. We pray for clarity and understanding among law makers and government officials - both here in the U.S. as well as in Russia. We pray for peace. But mostly, we pray for the children, that even through this chaos, they will somehow find a family that will love and care for them.

My dear friend, Jenna, has set up an event on Facebook to pray for this situation. Her hope is to have prayer happening around the clock until there is some type of resolution. If you would like to sign up for a time slot to pray or just join this group to share your encouragement, click HERE.

This is the roller coaster journey we have signed up for. We knew it would not be easy. We knew there would be bumps along the way. We knew that we would get to places along the path where we would feel completely stripped of all control or understanding.

We are in one of those places right now.

We want to walk through this with boldness and confidence that God has the whole world in his hands, that His heart deeply cares for orphans and those who have no one to advocate on their behalf. He is their advocate. We believe He can change hearts and minds. This is our prayer.

Thank you for praying and walking this road with us. There is no promise it will be easy. There is no promise it will turn out in the way we want. But there is absolute promise that God goes before us, that He comes behind us and that He hems us in. There is absolute promise that He is close to the broken hearted. There is absolute promise that He gives peace that passes all understanding.

We rest in those promises while the chaos of this broken world shatters around us.

Until next Monday,
love, Kate, Steve & Dima

Sit Back and Enjoy the Flight

I am not a fan of flying.

There are many reasons, most of all of them completely irrational, but they exist and it is a matter of discipline for me to step on to an airplane, buckle myself in, and "sit back and enjoy the flight." This is the part where I chuckle to myself and think how I neither sit back nor enjoy any part of any flight.

If you've ever flown internationally or a long domestic flight, you know there is a certain schedule to it all. There's the take off: a rush of excitement followed by a "ding" letting the flight attendants everything is going according to plan.

Minutes later there is another ding where the pilot comes on the speakers telling us all it is now ok to turn on electronic devices. If he's a friendly pilot, he'll tell us about the weather at the destination and if he's really good, he'll tell us the route and what we will be passing over. (thank you, friendly pilots!)

A few minutes after that, the fasten seatbelt light turns off, we are told it is "safe to move about the cabin", and we're reminded to keep our seat belts fastened in case of unexpected turbulence.

Then the flight attendants emerge with drink and food carts. I watch them approach each row, handing out diet cokes and cranberry juices. We eat, throw our trash away and then about 2 hours into the flight...all activity ceases. Food service is over, people begin to settle in with a book or an inflight movie or a 6 hour game of bejeweled. They may pop a nyquil and snuggle up to the shoulder of the stranger next to them or begin to blow air into their handy dandy neck pillow. And this, for me, is where the most tortuous part of the plan ride begins. In the nothingness. In the silence.

I have loved the entertainment of the last 2 hours - I can see the action and the flight attendants working hard to meet all of our needs. Their visible work somehow represents to me that the pilots are working hard too. But, when they disappear into their little curtained off area and I see no movement about the cabin, I start to fear. (Irrational, yes...I know...trust me, I know).

When I DON'T see action, I question if anything is happening. I feel a bump along the way and I try to peek ahead through the dark aisles but all I see if a big, securely locked metal door. What is happening behind that door? What are the pilots doing? Are they asleep? Did they feel that bump? If I could just see behind that door...

And that is where we are in the adoption process right now. The "action" has subsided. Our paperwork is all in. Now we wait. In silence. There is nothing more to do. And this is when it is easy for the fear to kick in. This is when my mind starts to wander into the "what if's". What if our paperwork somehow got lost along the away, or accidentally buried underneath a pile of more important paperwork?

When I don't feel the action of the process, I often question if things are still moving.

Ultimately, this whole issue I have about airplanes and paperwork roots back to a fundamental belief about God. Do I trust Him? Do I trust that even when I don't see or if I am not a part of the pieces and parts moving, that pieces and parts are still moving? And not just moving at random, but in His goodness and Divine story for our lives, and for the life of our little girl. Sometimes silence and waiting are a part of the purpose.

I like things that are seen. Tangible things I can hold in my hands. But, God brings me back to this beautiful and mind-bending truth: "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

It goes against my nature to sit in row 38F, close my eyes, and rest in the silence of an airplane, trusting that the pilot is working hard on our behalf, even though I may never see him.

And it goes against my nature to sit in my home and find joy with our family of 3, without constantly worrying and wondering if "they" are doing their part to bring our little girl home.

And it goes against my nature to sit in God's presence and rest...and to fix my eyes on the unseen. To trust in His goodness and story He is writing in and through our family's life.

But, it is what He asks of us..and it is for our good. Thank you for sitting in this row with us. For waiting in the silence and holding our hands along the journey. It's a lonely one at times, filled with many more questions than answers. But we are grateful God has given us so many people who encourage us with their words, their prayers, and their financial support. We truly could not do this without you!

So I'm going to try my hardest to sit back and enjoy the ride.

UPDATES:

• Waiting. We are coming upon Russia's big holiday month in January. 
• Therefore, referrals really slow down at this time due to holiday schedules. Thankfully, we know that and don't expect to hear much these next couple of months.

PRAYER REQUESTS:

• For our little girl. That she would be loved, cared for, treated uniquely.
• That her orphanage would do something special this month for Christmas and the New Year
• For our hearts as we wait and go through this holiday season with her in our hearts, but not in our home

Until next Monday...love, Kate, Steve & Dima.