Child of God

Today my husband and I took our son to his doctor's appointment. It was his first visit to the doctor since we moved to Colorado.

I came with copies of his medical records from Ohio. As the nurse began reviewing the paperwork, his adoption story quickly bubbled to the surface.

I explained, "We brought him home from Russia when he was almost three. Before that, we know very little about his medical history."

I always try to keep my answers short and neutral since I know there are very curious little ears holding on to every word I speak.

"How old was I when I came home?" he asks.

"Almost 3."

"But now I'm six years old. And I go to kindergarten. But just in the afternoon."

In that moment, the doctor stepped into the conversation, "You were a tiny little boy when you came home and now you are a big boy."
("Now I'm a big boy", he whispers quietly under his breath).

As my son sat there on the medical table, his little feet dangling off the side, you could just sense his wheels were spinning as he attempts to piece together his story.

"Adoption" and "coming home" and "Russia" are very normal words used in of our family's day to day conversations. Dima knows he was adopted, he knows that he grew in someone else's womb and he knows he lived "with the ladies" in an orphanage. He knows all of these things, but as we begin the journey of bringing home our second child, these concepts are intensifying in his young mind.

"When is my step brother coming home?", he asks.

"Your step brother? You aren't going to have a step brother."

"Yes I am. A step brother is when you have different parents, but you live together as one family."

This is our son, always thinking, always wanting to figure things out. He has always been that way. When he first came home, we would go on merry go rounds and instead of waving to the onlookers outside of the fence, he would fix his eyes upward, entranced by the pulleys that made the horsy move up and down.

"We are your parents and we are also going to be this little boy's parents. So, you actually do have the same parents...."

I still see that he is trying to understand it all as his mind is working overtime to make sense of these unnatural family dynamics.

"A judge in Russia actually changed your name to match our name. You are and forever will be a 'Garcia'. And after this little baby is born, a judge is going to change his name to match our name. And he will and forever will be a Garcia. But, even more amazing than that...God already KNEW that you were going to be a Garcia and He KNEW that this little boy would be a Garcia, so He bonded all of our hearts together with Love Glue. And absolutely NOTHING can change that."

"You were once someone else's child...now you are MY child. And once you become MY child, there is nothing that can separate you from my love."

As I explain his story of adoption, it awakens in me a deeper understanding of my place as God's child.

I was once a child of darkness, born into a world and life of sin and separation from God. Through Jesus, I am now a child of God. The Ultimate Judge signed on the dotted line and changed my name.
I moved from being a stranger to being known.
From darkness to light.
From death to life.
From orphan to daughter...
...not God's "step-child"
...not his "half-child"
...a child of God.

When I talk about and think about God, I don't even refer to myself as His "adopted daughter".
I am a child of God. He is my Father. I am His daughter. He has brought me into His family; and as it promises so beautifully in His Word...

"I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height or depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (and Father)." -Romans 8:38-39

UPDATES:

• We are still working on paper work to complete our new home study
• The baby is doing well and kicking and growing

PRAYER REQUESTS:

• Please pray for wisdom and diligence to complete all of the necessary steps for our paperwork to be complete
• Please pray for this little baby boy: that God would protect and care for his little body and mind as he grows
• Please pray for sweet birth mom: that she would feel confident in this adoption plan and that she would know how much we will (and already do) love this little boy

Until next Monday, 

Love: Kate, Steve & Dima

The Ultrasound

A week ago today, I was sitting in a doctor's office in Akron, OH with a young pregnant girl. The girl who is carrying the boy I may someday call "son".

The decision to be there, though a quickly made one, was assured. After I spoke with this precious girl on Skype just days earlier, I knew. I knew I had to be with her at the next doctor's appointment. I needed to see her face. I needed her to see mine. I needed to see the ultrasound for myself.

So we booked a plane ticket for me to leave just 4 days later so that I could be present in this important moment. I've never had an ultrasound before. I've never 'heard the heartbeat' or anxiously anticipated the news of 'boy or girl'. Most of how I imagined these appointments to go was based on movies I have seen or stories I have heard. And it was such a whirlwind that led up to this appointment, I really did not know what to expect or what I would feel or how I would respond. All I knew is that I had to be there.

Brandi (not her real name) and I were called back into the dark room with the big TV and she lay on the table as I sat closely beside her. The technician squirted gooey gel on her belly and just like in the movies, she put the little camera stick on Brandi's stomach and started rubbing it all around. We heard the bum-bum of the heartbeat and my face began to get red with excitement and nervousness. Round and round went the stick, stopping to take snap shots of the two little arms, two little legs, head and..."it's a boy", the technician declared. Brandi and I laughed as we had talked earlier about how convinced she was that it was a girl.

As the technician printed out the little black and white pictures, I asked her if she could print out an extra copy of them for me. "Brandi will choose if she wants to give them away", she said shortly.

My heart began to beat a little faster. I took a deep breath and summoned a smile to my face.
Brandi and I together, looked through the images of this little human that is living inside of her. We traced the arms and giggled at how his tiny hand looked like it was waving at us from under his chin.

Then I see it. At the top corner of the picture "Brandi Smith". The name of the mother of this child.

I don't know why I was expecting or even hoping that it would say "Kate Garcia", even if just in parentheses. Why would it? That is when reality began to crash in on me as I worked hard to silence the deep ache that began to reawaken in the pit of my stomach.

I recounted the last 30 minutes. Why wasn't I the one laying there on the table? Why wasn't Steve the one holding MY hand beside me, giggling together over the news?

I wish I could say I walked away from this appointment with only happy and excited feelings. But I didn't. I have never had a more tangible picture of infertility. Even screaming louder than a negative pregnancy test is clinging to a picture of my son with a different woman's name marking his identity. One day, I believe, there will be a picture of him with his new family name captioned across the top of the image. One day...but today his caption reads "Brandi Smith".

As I sat in the airplane flying home, I allowed the tears to flow. "God, I should have just waited for the 'it's a boy' text from Brandi. This feels too much and now I'm angry at myself for being so sad on what should be such a happy day."

That is when I sensed God speaking into my soul, "This day was not for you, Katie. It wasn't even for Brandi. It was for this little boy."

This day was for 15 years from now, when he is piecing together his story. He is going to see that I was there, with her. He is going to know that Brandi and I cared deeply for each other and that we both loved him - even before he was born. She loved him enough to know she could not care for him the way he deserved. I loved him enough to come face to face with the deepest pain in my soul just to see his first photograph.

I pray that some day this boy will find deep comfort in the truth that he was loved and greatly wanted.

Updates:

• We are working on paperwork details and home study updates to have everything legally ready
• We are planning and thinking through the details of travel and what our time in Akron will look like in December/January. 

Prayer Requests:

• Pray for Brandi to make good decisions for herself and for this little boy
• Pray for our family as we begin to prepare our hearts, lives and home for a new brother
• Pray for the agencies and social workers who are working and advocating for this child

Until next Monday...love, Kate, Steve & Dima