Sovereign Over Us

I don't know if everyone is like this, but it seems like I constantly have a song running through the back alleys of my mind. It is usually fitting to the circumstances of my life. Maybe it's because growing up, I had a mom who could turn any word into a song. You would speak a sentence, and she always had a song right there ready to be belted out. It oftentimes would catch people off guard and they weren't quite sure what to do with it, but for me, it was normal. Where there's a story, there's a song. 

Over these past few weeks, there have been many songs making their way into the depths of my heart. These have been songs of Truth - of surrender, of desperation, of God's unfailing love and His faithfulness. Sometimes when my mind and heart have been too weary to even open up the Bible, He has brought His truth into my heart through the recollection of song. And He would meet me there, whether I wanted to be there or not. 

"Your plans are STILL to prosper

You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and the flood

Faithful forever, perfect in Love

You are Sovereign over us

Even what the enemy means for evil,

You turn it for our good

You turn it for our good and for Your glory

Even in the valley You are faithful

You're working for our good

You're working for our good and for Your glory"

These words have found me in the lonely places of this journey. In those quiet moments where it is just me and my thoughts - where I try desperately to understand what He allows and why He allows it. 

As I have been emailing with my sister in law, who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, I found myself saying to her, "When I try to figure out what God is doing, I can drive myself crazy. Because the truth is, these things (like cancer, infertility, sickness, adoption bans, corrupt governments) are not FROM Him. He is not doing them. Yes, He is allowing them. But they do not come from His hands. He is life, not death. He is for orphans, not against them. He is for truth, not corruption. He is for health, not sickness. So, instead we have to keep our eyes focused on what kind of beauty He can make from the ashes. It may not happen right away and it usually is not in the way we expect, but He is an expert in redemption. And His heart is to redeem this broken world." 

As I wrote this, and tried to allow my heart to meet her in the pain of her circumstances, I was reminded of this same truth for myself. That even what the enemy means for evil, HE is the master at turning it not just for His glory, but for our good. And that is the hope and promise we can rest in, find strength in, and  claim with confidence.

So, as we have asked for wisdom from God to show us not just where our daughter is, but where is He calling us to go, we feel like we are getting a clearer picture. His plans are still to prosper. He has not forgotten us. He has not forgotten our daughter. He has not forgotten the children who lie in orphanages all over this world with no hope for a future without adoption. And so we are ready to respond and move forward. We are ready to act in obedience to His calling. We look forward to telling you where that is very soon. We still have a few more details to set in place and phone calls to make, but I assure you, this is a story you will not want to miss. And we're still kind of in shock over His direction for our lives.  Faithful forever, perfect in love...You are Sovereign over us. 

Until next Monday, love, Steve, Kate and Dima

Pushing Uphill

I'm sitting in my living room on this cold, blustery day. The snow is falling and quickly laying a blanket of white on our yard. When I see snow come down this quickly, I'm instantly taken back to the day that we left for our second trip to bring our son home from Russia. There was a blizzard outside, the snow overnight reached to nearly a foot.

Our dear friends, Eric and Adrianne picked us up early in the morning to take us to the airport. We piled into their car with our luggage, our huge bundle of paperwork, money hidden all over our bodies, and a large plastic tube containing our X-rays for medical appointments in Russia.

As we pulled away, the car jerked forward and then stopped. The wheels spun in the snow. We were no longer moving. We got out, tried to push a little. Still spinning. After a couple of driver changes and some nervous laughs, we finally got the car going and off we went.

We made it to the onramp of the highway, which actually went uphill. The snow had fallen so quickly that the snow plows weren't even out yet. On our way up the ramp, the car stopped again. Wheels spinning. Complete stop. It seemed like there was no way up the hill. What should we do? This can't be happening.

After a few attempts of Eric trying to find a groove, we decided to get out and push again - on the highway. So, Steve and I got out of the car and began to put everything we had into getting this huge machine up the snow covered hill. I remember digging my feet into the snow and just pushing and running in place with all that I had.

Tears streamed down my face as I yelled out loud, "We are NOT going to be stopped!! I am going to get my baby! Nothing is going to stop us!" Slowly our running in place turned into some movement and we soon found ourselves actually running as we were pushing. We ran ahead, quickly opened the car doors and hopped in while the car was moving forward. We made it. We got in the car and laughed and cried as we recounted those crazy moments we just experienced together.

It's hard to describe the feelings that came into my heart. It was a fighter's spirit - not letting anything stand in the way. We were pressing ahead and pushing through every obstacle, to bring our son into our family. And not even the snow storm of the century was going to keep us from our child.

That is, in a way, how I feel right now. That fighter spirit is starting to re-kindle in my heart. I'm ready to push through and keep chasing after this adoption dream God has placed in us. I believe that as much as God's heart is for adoption, there is a power at work against it.

The enemy comes to "seek, kill and destroy". He comes to destroy our passion and calling by making things difficult. He comes to kill hopes by whispering lies into our minds and hearts that "we aren't cut out to be parents again." We don't know where our daughter is or when she will come into our home, but I imagine being behind that car and in the face of the enemy, claiming victory and hope even amidst the impossible.

The Russian ban against Americans adopting has caused us to go back to the drawing board and pray through every option. A few have asked if we are considering domestic adoption. We are leaving no stone unturned and asking God to give us wisdom. We believe that adoption is a personal decision for every family and every family is called and directed to children who need homes. But in many ways adoption is a calling.

We have close friends who are missionaries in the middle east. They felt called to serve and love people in that country. I'm sure if we asked them, they would never say the reason they are missionaries there is because there are no needs in America. For their family, as they prayed and asked God to use their lives however and wherever He desires, He led them to the middle east. He put love in their hearts for these people, He gave them a desire to know more about and engage in their culture. And so they went. They left all that was familiar and responded to God's calling on their life.

In a similar way, as we have asked God to show us what it looks like to grow our family, it seems like He keeps drawing us and compelling us towards international adoption.  For our first child, He led us to Russia. And now, we wait for Him to direct us to our daughter. We absolutely believe there are many children in need of homes here in America. And as you read this, if that statement stirs something in your heart, I wonder what God would like to do through your family. Maybe He is calling you to adopt a child in the foster care system here in the states. For us, it is no longer about having another child; it is about believing that we have more love to offer a child who is need of a family.

So, as we ask God to lead us, we believe He will lead us to our daughter. And she will bring new life into our home as our home brings new life to her.

PRAYER REQUESTS:

• We have another conference call with the US Department of State on Tuesday afternoon to hear if there are any updates on the situation. Pray that there is clarity and a definitive answer for those of us who are figuring out what this ban means.
• We are still asking God for wisdom to knit our hearts together before we move forward and officially begin the process in a new country. This is a decision we don't take lightly. And as we talk through the implications of changing countries, we are asking God to show us His will and give us His wisdom as we make these steps.
• We pray for the little girl that we will adopt - wherever she is. That God would protect her and keep her safe and loved.

Until next Monday,
love: Kate, Steve & Dima

Not finished

About a year after Dima came into our lives, we finally settled in to a good routine. That's when the  thought of "we're not finished" came into our minds and hearts. 

So Steve and I began to pray and ask God for wisdom over the possibility of pursuing a second adoption. This was obviously not something we wanted to jump into quickly. 

We had to pray through the financial roadblocks, how the travel would affect our son, the time frame to complete the adoption, as well as the complicated details of bringing another child into our home, hearts and lives. 

We prayed. We fasted. We spent hours on the phone with different adoption agencies. Since we feel called to international adoption, we poured over the countries that allowed adoption and prayed through each one. 

After about a year and half of thinking, praying, and seeking advice, we decided that it was time. We brought every "what if" to God in prayer...

• What if we don't raise enough money? 
• What if our wait time is extremely long again? 
• What if our wait time is extremely short? 
• What if Dima has no desire to be a big brother?

The one "what if" we never considered was: what if Russia closes their doors to adoption? Not once. 

We know that there is tremendous uncertainty with ANY adoption - domestic or international. As for dealing with Russia, the all too true quote was "the only thing predictable about Russia is it's unpredictability." We thought there may be bumps along the way, but we never thought that an adoption ban would ever occur. 

So, we are blind-sided to say the least. 

As with many of you who are following this journey with us, we are watching the news each day. One report will say that the ban has been lifted. Others say it will be lifted for those who have already been to court. Still other reports suggest that the ban is in full force. 

Last Friday, we had a conference call with the U.S. Department of State, along with hundreds of other families who find themselves in our position. What we learned from that call wasn't much. Very little information is available at this time. We are in uncharted waters. 

At this point, we are hopeful that there will be exceptions made for those 46 families who have met their children and have been to court. I'm praying that an exception will be made even for those hundreds of families who have met their children, but have not yet had court. As for us however, with where we are in the process, there is not much of a chance of our adoption pushing through. 

So, where does that leave us? There is a big part of me that wants to toss up my hands and surrender to the difficulty. Life is good now. We have a son that we absolutely love. We live in a comfortable home. It just feels easier to take this roadblock and bow to it. But the easy choice is often not the right choice. And as I think and pray and cry out to God, I still have a deep sense in my spirit that says, "I'm not finished". 

As I was reading the Bible a few days ago, I came across this verse. I like to picture "The Biggest Loser" personal trainer, Jillian Michaels, screaming this into my face in a motivating way...

"We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are NOT crushed.

We are perplexed (confused, frustrated), but NOT driven to despair.

We are hunted down, but NEVER abandoned by God.

We get knocked down, but we are NOT destroyed"

I felt like God was speaking these words right to me. 

"Katie girl, You've been knocked down. But you are not destroyed. This dream and desire to bring new life to a child has been pressed on every side...but it is NOT crushed. Get up. Embrace the fear and move forward with strength in MY power"

So, we pick up this crumbled up, weathered up dream and lay it down at  God's feet.

Last week, we said there were 3 countries that we were seriously thinking about. Well, after some conversations with our agency, we have learned that 2 of those countries are not options for us. Instead we've been given new options. 

We are praying for much wisdom. Many of these options would bring very new and unique dimensions to our family. 

I want to act quickly and deal with those details later. Steve is more of the type of person who likes to think through the details first and then make a decision. So, we are, as a couple asking you to pray alongside us. For wisdom. For unity. For clear direction from God. We really need it.

One thing we believe to be true is that God is not finished. There are hundreds of thousands of orphans in this world who need a mom and dad. And we are a family that passionately desires to bring new life to a child. But what that means, what that looks like, we just don't know yet. 

Thank you for your prayers. We could not do this without you. Thank you for walking alongside us. I thought we were in the "boring part" of the process. It seems God has other plans. 

Until next Monday,

love: Kate, Steve & Dima

Paka Russia

I will never forget the day that we said goodbye to Dima's birthplace.

We had just spent an entire month in a small town outside of St. Petersburg, Russia. We stayed with a wonderful woman, Ludmila, along with her husband the whole time we were there. She graciously cooked every meal for us, ranging from homemade borscht, blinis, and even a hamburger with fries to give us a taste of home.

We laughed together, watched the Olympics together, celebrated 2 national holidays together.  She was our translator and was with us the first moment we ever met eyes with our son. She was the first person to tell Dima in his native language who we were: "mama and papa". When we brought Dima out of the orphanage, she was the one who spoke the phrase that is forever etched in our hearts, "this is the door to a new life".

Every morning, we would go visit the orphanage, we would be picked up by a wonderful man, Vladimir. For the week that I was alone in Russia, he would pick Ludmila and I up and always have a pillow in the backseat for me to rest on for the hour long drive to the orphanage. And he would always slip me 2 chocolates. One for me and one to bring up to Dima.

Our hearts were knit together by these monumental days in my life. As Ludmila and Vladimir dropped us off at the train station, to leave the quaint little town and take the overnight train ride to Moscow, Steve and I sat with our son in our little compartment and we wept.

The emotions hit us unexpectedly. We didn't anticipate sadness during this time - we thought we would be so excited to be one step closer to home. But, we were leaving Dima's birthplace, along with a piece of our hearts. As we watched out the window, our 2 dear friends slowly moved out of sight and we said, "paka", which means "goodbye."

I have a similar feeling in my heart right now. We are saying "paka."

Paka to the dream of having a daughter who shares heritage with her brother.
Paka to the place we thought we would hold our little girl.
Paka to the country God placed on our hearts at the beginning of this second adoption journey.

We look out the window as this train slowly chugs away from what we thought life would look like. And it is sad.

But in this sadness, there is also a glimmer a hope.

For two years, we prayed for God to give us wisdom as to when to start our next adoption. And we believe whole-heartedly that He was leading us to begin when we did. So I have to believe that though this ban did not come from God, He was not unaware of the timing of it all for our lives.

I have to believe that He is using this as a railroad switch. We are still on the train, just headed down a new path. Where does that path lead? We don't yet know. But we are confident that God knows...and as we put one foot in front of the other, we believe He will make His plan for our lives and our family clear, even through the confusion.

Steve spoke to our high school students this past Sunday about "strength in the storms". As he spoke about our own story and what is happening in our lives, he brought us to this truth: "God never promised to walk us around the storms, He promised to walk us through them."

That is where we can put our rest and our faith. We feel Him walking through this storm with us. We feel it in the depths of our souls. We also feel it through your encouragement. So we walk with boldness and trust that He will be with us every step of the way.

Though we are saying goodbye to Russia for our second adoption, Russia will always be a fundamental piece of our family's story. We desire to honor this country and speak of the wonderful memories we have there. It has been very easy the past few days to have so much anger toward the situation that is going on. There is a part of us that just wants to turn our backs on this country.

But then we look into the face of our sweet boy. Those big almond brown eyes and round face. And we bring our anger to God and ask Him to deal justly with the evil that goes on in this world. Then we continue to celebrate and take pride in that beautiful land, knowing full well that one government never fully represents the people of it's country.

So...where are we in the process now? Honestly, we really don't know.

There are not many answers that are available. Mostly because today is the day that Russians celebrate Christmas. So, their government is on holiday until the 9th of January. What is still fuzzy is what the implementation of the adoption ban will look like.

There are rumors that exceptions will be made for those families that have already been to court. Other rumors say the exceptions will be for families who have met their children already and still others say it may include families like us - whose paperwork has been registered in the country and are awaiting a referral.

After a long conversation today with our agency and much prayer over the past couple of weeks, we have decided to pursue an adoption from a different country. We will keep our paperwork in Russia and if for whatever reason, over the next month, something drastically changes, we can continue our adoption from there. But we want to begin the new process right away.

No matter which country we choose, we are looking at at least a year from right now before the completion of an adoption. So we want to get the ball rolling. There are 3 countries we are strongly considering and praying through. And we hope to make the decision and let you all know in the next week or so.

Thank you again for walking this rocky road with us. Despite all the setbacks my heart remains full and I am so deeply encouraged. I have received so many messages, emails, and letters in the mail with words of encouragement and prayers. I hold them tightly to my chest and use them as reminders of how God shows His love for us through His people.

Even after the announcement of the adoption ban was made, we received a check in the mail from a dear friend who is battling cancer. We received another check from a special family friend. Thank you for trusting us and believing that we WILL bring our daughter home...as soon as we find out where she is.

So we say Paka to Russia - and Hello to a new adventure.

Until next Monday,
love: Kate, Steve & Dima

In the wake of the headlines

A couple of weeks ago, we were able to host a sweet couple named Dima and Maria, who are on their way to becoming missionaries in Eastern Europe. Dima, came to the U.S. from Russia when he was a teenager. We knew him when he first came to the states and have been privileged to see what God is doing with his amazing gifts, talents and knowledge.

He met his beautiful wife, Maria, who just moved to the States from Ukraine over this last year. They are an amazing couple. We spent the evening talking about Eastern European culture and they were able to give us so much insight into our son and future daughter. Their visit was just 1 week before the adoption ban was signed into law.

Dima and "big Dima"

Over the course of our many conversations, the subject of orphan care in Russia came up. Dima and Maria were able to share very interesting perspectives. We have heard the staggering statistics about children who grow up in the orphanage system and how so few of them can really make it in the "real world". So many of them are forced into human trafficking, prostitution, drug abuse or gang life. Many don't even make it to age 30 or ever form a family. I've always been so disturbed by these statistics, and these numbers have been a huge part of what stirred our hearts to adopt from Russia. But, I never fully connected the dots as to why there is such little success for these orphans?

Dima and Maria explained to us that there is one major difference between culture in the U.S. and the Russian culture. For the typical American, there is a process of going to school, going to college and then applying for jobs. To get a job, you compose a resume, then interview with prospective employees. If all goes well and your references check out, you usually get the job.

In Russia, they told us, the thought of resumes and blindly approaching a job is very atypical. It is mostly about who you know, or who your family members are. It is all about connection. In many ways, it is a beautiful system. It is based on relationships and trust. For the typical Russian child, there is comfort knowing that they will be able to get their foot in the door with a family member's business or trade.

But, what about the orphan?

The orphan leaves the institution usually around the age of 16, with a less than ideal education. But even more than that, they have no connections. They don't have parents and siblings and uncles and brothers who could get them in to their trade. If they did, they would probably not have ended up in the orphanage in the first place.

The orphanage system runs counter cultural to the way Russian society is set up. The orphan is sent out into the world, nameless, jobless, with few resources and even fewer connections. They are often sought out by those who prey on the vulnerable - the pimp who will give them a name or the drug lord who will give them a job; money in their pocket, at the cost of their soul.

So as the news began to go public regarding the adoption ban against American families, then ultimately being signed into law by President Putin on Friday, the image of the orphan with no connections is where my heart landed. And what brings me to tears, what stops me in my tracks, is the image I have of my son. He was an orphan, headed down the path towards being one of the "statistics".

Part of the way international adoption is set up in Russia is that in order for a child to be available to U.S. families, the child must first be available for domestic adoption (within Russia) for 9 months. Russian families are given the first chance to adopt.

But if the child goes 9 months without being adopted by Russian families, THEN they are available to American families. So we cannot simply say "someone else will adopt them". (This is true for some but not for most). The children Americans were allowed to adopt were the "unwanted orphans". Even saying these words leaves a lump in my throat and tears stop me from typing....because I look at my child - my sweet, hilarious, smart, kind, full-of-life little boy and wonder, "how could anyone have passed him over?"

Then I think about a little girl. This little girl who may be passed over by Russian families now has no chance of ever being adopted by us. She will sit in the orphanage and her chances of having a thriving life filled with joy and freedom will be decimated. All because of politics.

So, where do we go from here?

On Thursday night, we will have a webinar with our agency to discuss our next steps. There are many other countries our agency works with and we will have to look at our financial loss and determine how to best proceed. We are still considered "in process" and there is a small shred of hope that there may be some sort of grandfather clause for those families who are already in the process of adoption. But, that seems highly unlikely at this point.

This has been a painful season for our family. Our hearts are sad. It feels, in many ways, like another loss in our journey towards parenthood. My mind and heart are battling lies of "maybe you just aren't meant to be a mom. You can't get pregnant. And now you can't even adopt." I know these are lies, but they speak loudly, especially to my weary heart.

We appreciate your prayers and words of encouragement. It's been great seeing our high school students wearing their "team garcia" t-shirts and offering up prayers on our behalf. This has deeply ministered to our hearts. Your emails, messages, texts, and phone calls have been a balm to my soul.  Your words have sustained us through this season of loss.

Thank you for walking through this with us. We are going to be ok. We will persevere until our daughter comes home.We are picking up the pieces of our crumbled adoption and asking God to take what we have and lead us to our daughter. And we believe He will.

So now we wait until He shows us where she is.

Until next Monday,
love: Kate, Steve & Dima.