Wednesday, December 26, 2012

In the headlines...

A couple of weeks ago, as I was reading the news, I came across an article about a new ban that was going to be placed on American families adopting children from Russia. My heart skipped a beat, but I really didn't think much of it.

During our first adoption, news came out that adoptions were being threatened. My heart was filled with fear. I checked the news every 5 minutes and I was grieved over the thought that our adoption may fall through. A few weeks went by and we got through Christmas and January and nothing really changed with adoptions. I learned that the Russia/US relationship is pretty shaky, and adoptions are oftentimes threatened with this kind of news, but rarely does anything come of it.

So, fast forward three Christmases. We sit here in the same season we were in three years ago...adoptions to Russia are being threatened again. Over the last 2 weeks, a bill has been written up by the Russian lawmakers to ban adoptions from U.S. families. It passed through the lower level of government with a huge majority. A few days later, it passed through the next level. And just today, it passed through the upper level of the Russian parliament with a unanimous vote. The only thing that is left before it comes into a reality is a signature from President Putin.

I am, by no means a politician. I did not do well in social studies when I was in school and I have never really had strong interest in government and politics. I do not want to oversimplify the complicated facets of international relations with regard to politics. But this much I know:

  • The U.S. passed a bill that calls for sanctions against Russians who are deemed to be violating human rights
  • In response, the Russian government wrote up a bill that includes the ban of U.S. families adopting from Russia
  • This bill has overwhelmingly passed through all of the levels of the Russian parliament (think senate)

I honestly don't think there is anyone to blame through all of this and truly, I don't even know what the right or wrong response should be. If this bill does pass, maybe it will be a chance for Russia to assess their child welfare system and make improvements. Maybe it will allow non-American families to adopt more children since the U.S. is not the only country that adopts from Russia. Maybe this bill will be the catalyst for America and Russia to take steps towards peace and reconciliation. It may have to get messy before it gets better.

But in all of this, my heart is sad for us. We have prayed hard, worked hard, and believed that our daughter is in Russia. If this bill passes, we will have to look at our financial losses and pray for a new path that leads to our daughter. We are not giving up. We believe that God does have a daughter for us somewhere in this world...and we believe it will be a little girl who will come from a situation that seems hopeless without the intervention of a loving family..and this may be the sharp, painful turn that leads us to her. In many ways, it feels like another negative pregnancy test, or a miscarriage. We have come so far in our journey to our little girl. We have prayed for her, thought about her, planned for her, talked about her with Dima...and now, we may have to go back to square one.

There are an estimated 80,000 children in Russian orphanages. And though there are many wonderful Russian families and families from other countries who adopt these children, the U.S. does account for a large chunk of giving these children homes and families. My heart is sad for these children who are going about their lives like they always do, having no idea that a "could be family" will not be because of two governments that can not get along.

"Children get frozen in the cold war", is a sign that one brave Russian held outside the parliament building yesterday. She was detained, along with others who joined in the protest. I received an email from a Russian friend who apologized on behalf of his country. I stay in touch with the kind and wonderful director from Dima's orphanage. And my heart will always be connected with the dear woman who housed us, fed us, translated for us, and loved us while we were in Russia. There are many, many Russians who care for children and know that international adoptions are one of the ways that the orphans in Russia can be cared for.

So we are left with all that there is to do: we pray. We pray for clarity and understanding among law makers and government officials - both here in the U.S. as well as in Russia. We pray for peace. But mostly, we pray for the children, that even through this chaos, they will somehow find a family that will love and care for them.

My dear friend, Jenna, has set up an event on Facebook to pray for this situation. Her hope is to have prayer happening around the clock until there is some type of resolution. If you would like to sign up for a time slot to pray or just join this group to share your encouragement, click HERE.

This is the roller coaster journey we have signed up for. We knew it would not be easy. We knew there would be bumps along the way. We knew that we would get to places along the path where we would feel completely stripped of all control or understanding.

We are in one of those places right now.

We want to walk through this with boldness and confidence that God has the whole world in his hands, that His heart deeply cares for orphans and those who have no one to advocate on their behalf. He is their advocate. We believe He can change hearts and minds. This is our prayer.

Thank you for praying and walking this road with us. There is no promise it will be easy. There is no promise it will turn out in the way we want. But there is absolute promise that God goes before us, that He comes behind us and that He hems us in. There is absolute promise that He is close to the broken hearted. There is absolute promise that He gives peace that passes all understanding.

We rest in those promises while the chaos of this broken world shatters around us.

Until next Monday,
love, Kate, Steve & Dima


Monday, December 10, 2012

Sit Back and Enjoy the Flight

I am not a fan of flying.

There are many reasons, most of all of them completely irrational, but they exist and it is a matter of discipline for me to step on to an airplane, buckle myself in, and "sit back and enjoy the flight." This is the part where I chuckle to myself and think how I neither sit back nor enjoy any part of any flight.

If you've ever flown internationally or a long domestic flight, you know there is a certain schedule to it all. There's the take off: a rush of excitement followed by a "ding" letting the flight attendants everything is going according to plan.

Minutes later there is another ding where the pilot comes on the speakers telling us all it is now ok to turn on electronic devices. If he's a friendly pilot, he'll tell us about the weather at the destination and if he's really good, he'll tell us the route and what we will be passing over. (thank you, friendly pilots!)

A few minutes after that, the fasten seatbelt light turns off, we are told it is "safe to move about the cabin", and we're reminded to keep our seat belts fastened in case of unexpected turbulence.

Then the flight attendants emerge with drink and food carts. I watch them approach each row, handing out diet cokes and cranberry juices. We eat, throw our trash away and then about 2 hours into the flight...all activity ceases. Food service is over, people begin to settle in with a book or an inflight movie or a 6 hour game of bejeweled. They may pop a nyquil and snuggle up to the shoulder of the stranger next to them or begin to blow air into their handy dandy neck pillow. And this, for me, is where the most tortuous part of the plan ride begins. In the nothingness. In the silence.

I have loved the entertainment of the last 2 hours - I can see the action and the flight attendants working hard to meet all of our needs. Their visible work somehow represents to me that the pilots are working hard too. But, when they disappear into their little curtained off area and I see no movement about the cabin, I start to fear. (Irrational, yes...I know...trust me, I know).

When I DON'T see action, I question if anything is happening. I feel a bump along the way and I try to peek ahead through the dark aisles but all I see if a big, securely locked metal door. What is happening behind that door? What are the pilots doing? Are they asleep? Did they feel that bump? If I could just see behind that door...

And that is where we are in the adoption process right now. The "action" has subsided. Our paperwork is all in. Now we wait. In silence. There is nothing more to do. And this is when it is easy for the fear to kick in. This is when my mind starts to wander into the "what if's". What if our paperwork somehow got lost along the away, or accidentally buried underneath a pile of more important paperwork?

When I don't feel the action of the process, I often question if things are still moving.

Ultimately, this whole issue I have about airplanes and paperwork roots back to a fundamental belief about God. Do I trust Him? Do I trust that even when I don't see or if I am not a part of the pieces and parts moving, that pieces and parts are still moving? And not just moving at random, but in His goodness and Divine story for our lives, and for the life of our little girl. Sometimes silence and waiting are a part of the purpose.

I like things that are seen. Tangible things I can hold in my hands. But, God brings me back to this beautiful and mind-bending truth: "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

It goes against my nature to sit in row 38F, close my eyes, and rest in the silence of an airplane, trusting that the pilot is working hard on our behalf, even though I may never see him.

And it goes against my nature to sit in my home and find joy with our family of 3, without constantly worrying and wondering if "they" are doing their part to bring our little girl home.

And it goes against my nature to sit in God's presence and rest...and to fix my eyes on the unseen. To trust in His goodness and story He is writing in and through our family's life.

But, it is what He asks of us..and it is for our good. Thank you for sitting in this row with us. For waiting in the silence and holding our hands along the journey. It's a lonely one at times, filled with many more questions than answers. But we are grateful God has given us so many people who encourage us with their words, their prayers, and their financial support. We truly could not do this without you!

So I'm going to try my hardest to sit back and enjoy the ride.

UPDATES:

  • Waiting. We are coming upon Russia's big holiday month in January. 
  • Therefore, referrals really slow down at this time due to holiday schedules. Thankfully, we know that and don't expect to hear much these next couple of months.

PRAYER REQUESTS:

  • For our little girl. That she would be loved, cared for, treated uniquely.
  • That her orphanage would do something special this month for Christmas and the New Year
  • For our hearts as we wait and go through this holiday season with her in our hearts, but not in our home

Until next Monday...love, Kate, Steve & Dima.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Abundant Life

In the history of blog writing, I have never skipped a week of writing a blog, let alone 2 weeks. As I wrote in my last entry, my mom has been diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma cancer. It has been a whirlwind! What appeared as an enlarged lymph node from an infection that needed to be removed quickly turned into a phone call reporting the findings of metastatic melanoma in her lymph node. My heart and mind just sort of stood still. 

As I thought about writing a blog, nothing in the adoption process would come to me that seemed significant compared to what was going on in my heart as I was processing what it means that my mom has cancer. We took a spur of the moment trip to visit her and help (as best we could) as she recovered from surgery.  We were able to have “in person” talks about the future. From North Carolina, Steve and 2 others from The Chapel, left for 2 weeks to teach at a Pastor’s Conference in India. It's amazing what can happen in just a couple of weeks!

Part of the follow up with my mom's cancer is making decisions regarding further treatment. She sat in the doctors’ office with my dad and brother (while my brother texted me every detail along the way)...and the options were laid before her.  I won't go in to all of the details of the options, side effects, percentages, etc. but in the end, she has chosen the option to do no further treatment and to continue on with a healthy lifestyle. As she and I talked it through on the phone and she explained to me her heart, the words that kept coming back to me were "abundant life". Now, I know that every cancer is different, every story is different, and every drug affects people differently.  In no way do I feel that the choice she has made is right for everyone, but for my mom and her story, she is choosing to live the rest of her life in abundance… to the full...for however long that may be. We all have such a peace in the decision.

And as the words "abundant life" came to me in reference to my mom, it reminded me that those were the same words God placed on my heart about 7 years ago. Steve and I decided to part ways with the medical route towards becoming parents. Prior to that, in our effort to have a child, biologically, we had journeyed a rough couple of years filled with lots of medication and doctor’s appointments.  My moods were completely unpredictable. My thoughts were consumed with getting pregnant. My calendar revolved around ovulation. My feelings were like shifting shadows - happy and hope filled at a doctor's promise of "getting us pregnant" and deeply saddened and frustrated when that same doctor told me I was pregnant, only to find out hours later that he was mistaken. Even though I didn't want "pregnancy" to become my everything, the medical path we were choosing forced us to. Doctors appointments multiple times a week and medications to be administered at specific times of certain days made us have to think about it at all times.


I remember a day when I was just crying out to God. I was so frustrated about who I was becoming. When was the last time I had laughed? Or experienced true joy? When was the last month I had just enjoyed?  As I was praying, this verse came to my mind...

"The thief (the enemy) has come to steal and kill and destroy, but I (Jesus) have come so that you can have abundant life - life to the full." (John 10:10)

It was as if God was gently and graciously asking me, "How would you define your life right now? Are you experiencing this 'life to the full' I have for you?" And in that moment I had to say “no”. I was living a life robbed of joy, a life that was on a course to destruction. At that point, Steve and I made the decision to no longer take the medical path towards parenthood. It made no sense to our doctor; he was frustrated because he felt like there was "more he could do". Even friends didn't quite understand. But there was a peace deep in my heart as we made that decision. I was getting my life back...abundant life. It was no longer about getting pregnant, it was about becoming the woman God wanted me to be. And as we sacrificed the dream of bringing life into this world in a biological way, God, the Ultimate Story Teller, was preparing us for our little boy. A little boy who had physical life, but needed to be able to experience life to the full. God is so creative...my surrender to barrenness actually led us down a path of life. 

And so, here we are, in the process of bringing home our daughter. This time around, my heart is filled with joy and anticipation, knowing what it is like to bring a child into our family. I can't wait to tell her about the story God has written to form our family. I can't wait for her to see the beauty of our God that turns loss into gain…pain into joy…fear into rest…death into life...Abundant Life.

UPDATES:
-We just received a document in the mail that officially states we have been approved by the US government to adopt. That was the final piece of paperwork we were waiting on for this phase of the journey.
-We continue to receive kind and generous gifts - even amidst the busy-ness of the Christmas season. We are so thankful!

PRAYER REQUESTS:
-Please pray for wisdom for those who are making decision concerning our referral - that we would be matched with the perfect child for our family.
-Pray for our little girl as it gets colder...that she would be in an orphanage with working heat, that she would be bundled up and warm and hugged extra.

Until next Monday, love, Steve, Kate and Dima